“Jacq, apa di pikir kau?” (Jacq, what are you thinking?)
No bottle throwing please. Unless its an unopened 500 years old red wine or the highest grade of Chivas. And do throw it properly.
But, woa there, let me present my thoughts first and see whether there are valid points that readers can relate to.
Foremost, this blog entry was prompted by reading an entry by a fellow Bidayuh blogger (male obviously) who laments about a highly educated Bidayuh women who chooses to marry a Malay guy. Here he mention all the negative aspects of her marrying ‘kirieng’ (Malay). Lost of identity. Lost of the Bidayuh generations. And how the ‘poor’ lady would spend her good earn income in raising a non Bidayuh family.
(Err…I beg your pardon?)
And lastly, he ended it with a question “Why not a Bidayuh guy?”
Though the entry amused me, it also raised the perfect question. And it prompted me to write this post based on my own perceptions. Feel free to agree or disagree or sit on the sidelines and watch.
Let me explain a little bit about myself. I’m 30+ single Bidayuh lady living and working in Kuala Lumpur. I have Bidayuh male friends and I have two brothers. And no, I’m not a feminist. The possibility of me choosing a Bidayuh guy as a husband is very unlikely. Well, to tell readers the truth, the possibility of me marrying anybody is also unlikely. Don’t ask. Very easy to explain but very hard to understand.
However, I can empathize with Bidayuh ladies who chooses their soulmate in the form of a Chinese, Indian, Malay, Orang Putih, Orang Hitam and etcetera BUT NOT A BIDAYUH GUY.
Are Bidayuh guy that bad? I don’t think so. I’ve met some who are extraordinary. Yet there are stereotypes on Bidayuh guys that most educated ladies find less appealing. Lets see whether readers can relate to them.
Marrying a Bidayuh guy is not a partnership, its servitude
Bidayuh guys seem to have this particular expectations towards Bidayuh girl. Will cook, will clean, will pick their underwear that they left on the floor, will sacrifice their career for them, will wash their dishes, will wash the toilet, will not have her own opinions, will not involve in political talks, will not have salary higher then them. Worst still, will forgive them no matter how many times they sleep with other women.
And imagine an Oxford educated woman being given all these as unwritten terms and conditions to marry a Bidayuh guy. Obviously, she would turn another way to look for greener pasture though there are no guarantees that the other sides are better.
Bidayuh wives must be virgin.
I have no problems with guys expecting this but it should come from a guy who never even kissed another woman before. A Bidayuh guy who makes it a habit of jumping from one bed to another have no right to expect this. And those who do, I believed are just self conscious and have no confidence in themselves. Caused they probably assume virgins wives would never be able to compare them with other guys. Or would not be able to differentiate what is good or not.
Reality checks, brothers, an orgasm is still an orgasm and an unsatisfied wife is still an unsatisfied wife. Virgins or not.
And nowadays, Bidayuh girls are more liberal (even in the village) so based on this particular stereotypes, won’t they choose a non Bidayuh instead?
A Bidayuh lady must act like a lady.
For someone who broke a few traditional rule and even opposed the elders at one point, I have a very big problem with this particular stereotypes. Long hair, walk slowly, talk slowly and laugh with a small hee hee. If I could rolled my eyes further backward, I’ll do that. Remember, brothers, the blood that runs through a Bidayuh women are the same blood that used and still toiled the earth. Giving birth to as many as ten kids and still survived. And were there to defend the village hundreds years ago when tribal wars were rampant.
These are not the bloodlines of yesteryears English duchess who travels with their handkerchiefs and faint at the sight blood. Even those who are supposedly ladies are mostly not but they happen to have husbands who see them equals. Or they have submitted to supposedly traditions to act like one.
Bidayuh guys are poor, uneducated, drunkards and gamblers.
Very stereotypical and sad to say my early years are surrounded by all the wrong crowd. Bidayuh guy who couldn’t stop drinking yet looked down on Bidayuh girl who does. Bidayuh guys who makes it a habit to sleep around to show how manly they are as they can’t prove much by working as constructions workers and their money are just enough to ‘collect langkau’. Or they lost it easily by playing ‘holo’. The only things they read are Magnum 4D that they hope would make them millionaires one day.
And the daughters are not permitted to act like the men. So they read books, get themselves educated and marry a Russian.
Bidayuh men will not be the best choice to procreate.
Ironically, some Bidayuh guys who manage to be highly educated choose to blame the government, God, educated Bidayuh women, political parties, Taib for the sorry state of Bidayuh men. Oh please, Bidayuh men, the problem is just close by. Look at the beer can clutch around your fingers. Ten of them, which you had finished, can buy a young Bidayuh kid a new schoolbag.
Bidayuh men smokes like a chimney. Big bellies which they are so proud off. And doesn’t seem to be able to provide for a decent family.
So in the course natural selections, would a woman instinct choose these stereotypes to be the father of her unborn child? Simply, no.
Bidayuh men are egoistic.
They are huge contradictions to themselves. They think that they are so good that Bidayuh women would go for them yet looked down on those who acts like ‘perigi cari timba’. Branding them sluts or unfit as wives.
Yet they would not make the first move cause they believe women should come to them instead. And then again…
So why even wonder Bidayuh women ended with so called sweet mouthed Malay, wealthy Chinese, flirty Indians, handsome religious Kelabit, tall good looking Orang Putih and any other races but a BIDAYUH GUY.
So, that’s about some of it and before some of you considered replying me (or throwing me slowly that bottle of unopened Bacardi), do reread my articles. There is one word that I kept on repeating.
If you still can’t guess, the word is ‘Stereotype’.
Stereotype is a dangerous word. It is like because one black man killed another, no blacks are entitled to become the President of a nation. Or few middle-east guys decided to fly and blow up a building, another middle-east nation was invaded and their dictator hung.
Such as the case here. Though some would admit they are guilty of the vices or some Bidayuh brothers would cheekily says on some points, “memang pun kamek macam ya”. But not all and actually not many. If we are talking scientifically, genetically everybody are different. And only human tendencies to generalize things created stereotype. Bidayuh brothers may sighed of relief but let me gives few real life examples that shows the story not over yet and how stereotypes that becomes true again degenerate the image of Bidayuh guys.
Very opinionated lady, smoke and drinks and slept with several men. Had hope for Bidayuh men but they are more interested on her younger sister who seems to be a quite decent girl. She then marries another native race, found God and lived happily with her mixed blood child. The younger sister actually tested smoking and drinking since she was eight, and still do now. She’s not considering marrying a Bidayuh guy.
An Australian educated young Bidayuh engineer had tried to date educated Bidayuh guys but couldn’t stand their mentality. Marries a Chinese-Kelabit six years her junior. Her younger sister, a practicing doctor and a part time Unimas lecturer married an Indian from west Malaysia.
A lady, a clerk who could afford her own car marries a Chinese.
A Bidayuh lady who joined the Doulos Ship as a Christian volunteers couldn’t find a Bidayuh guy who shares her vision and dreams. In her late 30’s, she marries a fellow volunteer, an Australian and moved away with him.
A young girl who couldn’t stand her drunkard father runs away from home and live with her adopted Malay family. Had converted to Muslim and will soon marry the son.
These are not made up stories. These are real. And I’m not going to say what they did was wrong or right. Everybody have the right to choose their life partner. Everybody have the right to be happy. What I’m doing here is putting as much point of view on one webpage and hopefully gets people to look at things differently. Especially both Bidayuh guys and girls. This title could have easily been “Why NOT a Bidayuh girl?” That would definitely shift the mindset.
I believed that stereotypes should be crushed coz I hated myself to be judged due to other people choice of lifesytle. Yet I can’t help but feel uncomfortable on having a Bidayuh guy as my life partner due to many negative examples that I saw.
Though its kinda shows that I’ve branded Bidayuh guy into the above stereotypes. Yet at the same time I believe I should not judge others as I would also be exposed to unfair stereotype.
So how true are these stereotypes anyway?
I’m highly opinionated and very independent. Creative, love art, a bit dyslexic, sometimes paints, enjoy being alone with my own thoughts. I can be serious and yet embarassing loud sometimes. Highly passionate and may get emotional. I danced when I want to and smiled as much as I can. I smoke sometime, especially when I’m writing. I drink alcohol and enjoyed the best and highest concoction. I don’t believe in career but believe in passive income and times should be spent back packing around the world. Sometime I dated. Fooled around before. And has no intention to pamper guys who could not take care of themselves. Love anime, have a blog especially for anime, an avid fangirl and was a huge fan of Pendekar Laut.
With some points on my personality, good and bad depending on perceptions, my question to Bidayuh guys out there….
Would you marry me?
And to Bidayuh girls…
If you have similar traits, would you consider marrying a Bidayuh guy?
Note : Words meaning
1.Collect langkau – ‘Langkau’ is a local made whiskey that are quite cheap but very potent and can be harmful to drink. Collect langkau; meaning a group of guys collect money from each other to buy’langkau’ to drink together.
2.Holo – ‘Holo’ is a famous game of three dices with the pictures of six animals and a piece of cloth with the pictures of the animals divided in six parts. Players will put money on the any of the animals. Dices are rolled in a closed special can. Players will be paid based on the numbers of animals that ‘came out’.
3.Magnum 4D – A famous lotto game in Sarawak.
4.Perigi cari timba – Direct translation is ‘a well looking for a pail’. It describes a woman who go and look for men instead of acting like a proper lady and wait for the men to look for them.
5.“memang pun kamek macam ya” – It is true that we are like that.
The incident with the escalator.
Does Sarawak future lies in Malaysia?
The story of my great grandfather.