My Grandmother & Her Death

I struggled a bit to write this. But I believe it will come to a point in my life to face it and feel comfortable enough to write a bout my grandmother.

When she died she was about 90 years. She was already a bit senile and she acted like a child. She was also sick of old age. So it was a bit hard for my aunts to take care of her. Apart from that she had to take care of her four young children.

There was one time she was put under my family care and it didn’t went well. I personally couldn’t handle her. She slept during the day and woke up during the nights. And like a baby she seek attention that I myself does not have, during those time, the patience to handle. And like a baby she cried and whined that in the end I have to go to the living room to get some sleep. My mother had frequent headaches because of her.

And there was time I had lost my patience and uses my strength against her. I didn’t hit her or anything but she was thumping her feet trying to run off somewhere and I, in my impatience, tried to pull her back. Miscalculating my own strength. Her looks on me. Her sense of betrayal on her eyes haunted me in years to come. Then she was crying that I don’t love her when in fact I did.

I think after that she cried herself to sleep.

I cried. I think I did. I felt guilty but I don’t know how to deal with her. In the end we had to send her back home.

I felt something during those time. I think most of it are pity because non of her children really could cope with her. Non of her grandchildren could really cope with her either.

A few months after that or maybe a year or two, she passed away. That was nearly ten years ago.

I knew its going to happen. Everybody was expecting it. But yet for the one hour back to my village I cried. My older brother and sister kept quite all the way because I rarely cried.

For years to come, as I say, the looks of betrayal haunted me. I wished many times I had the patience to take care of her. I wished that I don’t have the frustrations that stop me from expressing that I still loved her.

I think she was afraid to die. I think she was still hanging on that her children and grandchildren still wants her. And when she thoughts and believed that we didn’t love her anymore, she just let go.

That thought again haunted me as I felt somehow in my demented mind that I’ve pushed her to death. Would I have the patience to love her as I should she might have left this world in peace.

I love you Grandma. I love you with my whole heart. And I still love you. I hope that beyond my own wisdom I could get to understand that you are much more older than me. Wiser than me. And you don’t hold grudges as I held it to myself all these years.

I’m letting you go, Muk. Thank you for being my Grandma. And if there is a possibility I should see you again, do remind me that I love you.

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